In these next few posts I hope to give you some background on where my husband and I have come from. I eluded in one of the early posts that we both had humble upbringings, which is an understatement. I think I'll divide it out into three parts. My story, his story and our story. I hope to illustrate where we came from, how we got where we are, and where we.going.
MY STORY
I was born into a fairly dysfunctional family. My mother was my fathers second wife and he brought with him three children from his previous marriage. From my mothers account, my father was an alcoholic. He would get paid on Friday and he would drink his paycheck away by Monday. My mother said that there was not always money for the necessities and my grandparents often bought diapers and formula for me. My parents divorced when I was six months old. My father was non-existent in my life until I was 24. He was a great man who was able to overcome his own battles and he never once missed a child support payment in the 17 1/2 years he had to pay.
My mother struggled throughout my childhood to keep a job, often we were on welfare. I spent the majority of my childhood living in Federally funded low-income apartments. I now believe that my mother has some sort of mental health issues which have never been addressed and likely never will be. She would get a job and the first time that there was a problem, she would stop showing up for work. When she did have a job for any length of time, she told her co-workers lies, sometimes swindling them out of money. Of course, she would then quit when she got what she could. My grandparents helped us a lot. I'm not sure how she would have made it through with me without their help. I am grateful they were willing to step in when needed.
There were times that I didn't have enough to eat growing up. I almost never had new clothes or shoes, unless they were gifts from relatives. I was never able to participate in sports, take music lessons or any other kind of extracurricular activities because those cost money. I was on free lunch and Title 19.
For everything that I did not have, I did have a library card, which was probably my greatest "asset". I would lose myself in books. I was fortunate that the library had a mobile bookmobile which parked at my elementary school once a week.
I grew up resentful of my mother. I couldn't understand why she didn't just get a job like everyone elses's parents. I had friends who had single parents, they were doing well. Why couldn't we have matching furniture, a car? Why couldn't I take dance lessons, piano, have a summer pass to the pool, jeans from the mall?
In my last two years of high school I helped pay the rent on our apartment. I had a good job and I worked a lot more hours than most kids my age. My work ethic is great. In the past 21 years that I have been employed I have had 5 jobs. Every job I have had I have had I have started at the bottom and worked my way up. Except for one, I started at the top once. :) I was and am determined to have stable employment. It makes life a whole lot easier.
Two weeks before I turned 18 my mother left me with my best friend from high schools family and set off into the world. She had a little money and no plan. She returned less than three months later, broke and needing my help. She took advantage of me quite a few times over the next few years. I just wanted to believe things could be "normal" for my mom and I so I kept trying to help her. 20 years later we are still far from "normal".
My mother has had a direct impact on who I am financially, who I am as a mother, who I am as an employee. I am who I am because I did not want to grow up and be like her.
For a long time I have overcompensated for all of the things I did not have growing up. Overcompensated to the level of excess. I have more clothes than one person should own. Before this experiment I would shop most every weekend. For many years I have been trying to make up for all of the new clothes and shoes I didn't have while I was growing up. It has made me feel better for a little bit, but as soon as I have to wear the same outfit out for a night on the town or a special event, I "needed" something new. I have matching furniture, matching bath and kitchen towels, matching plates, silverware, glassware, pots and pans. I have a matching set of dining room table and chairs. I have a matching bedroom set. I have matching rugs and lawn furniture.
Why, you ask?
Because I never want for my kids to be embarrassed to bring their friends over to play or for dinner. I never want to feel embarrassed have my friends over for dinner. I want to be proud of my home, my clothes, my car in a way I was never able to feel the entire first 18 years of my life.
Part of this experiment is a lesson for me. It's a lesson in learning that "things" don't make a person happy. I need to learn how not to let the unhappiness and unfulfilled need of my childhood rule my adult life. I've always been trying to fill the void. I need to work on getting past that. I need to learn a new way of thinking.
If I don't, we're going to need a bigger house (and a bigger mortgage) to store all of my clothes, shoes and matching things. ;)
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